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Wednesday, May 29, 2024

PM pledges extra $60 million to cover cabinet members’ sexual harassment claims (The Shovel)

Scott Morrison has continued to splash the cash ahead of the federal election, with a new policy that will see taxpayers continue to pay for the mystery settlements of senior ministers accused of misogyny, bullying or sexual harassment.

With a $500,000 settlement due to be paid to an accuser of backbench minister Alan Tudge, the PM said the Government had to plan for the future.

“This could be just the tip of the iceberg. How much money will we need to pay out future claims of harassment and assault? Around $60 million according to the latest modelling”.

The PM said the fully-costed policy showed the Coalition had a plan for the future. “The Labor party has accused us of not being forward-thinking and ignoring inflation. Well, that’s simply not true.

“The fund covers exponential, inflationary growth of secret, legal settlements to our staffers for up to the next three years! We’re calling it the Secret Reimbursal for Extramarital Coitus Write-offs fund, or SCREW for short”.

A budgetary forecast for SCREW is a new challenge for the Parliamentary Budget Office (PBO) who plotted projected increases on “The Tudge Diagonal”. A member of the PBO explained, “Unfortunately, there is a large margin of error based on the government covering shit up for as long as possible”.

The government has once again been accused of “pork barreling”, but for a change, it’s because a bunch of actual, fucking pigs will be the ones who benefit from it. Alan Tudge was unreachable for comment as he was in hiding or a staffer.

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

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