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Friday, September 30, 2022

Government Confident It Can Fuck Up Moderna Messaging Before Doses Arrive (The Shovel)

With the newly approved Moderna vaccine set to arrive as soon as next month, the Government faces a race against the clock to totally fuck up confidence in the drug’s rollout.  

“We’ve never had to try and cock something up this quickly before. Usually we have months to get things wrong,” Health Minister Greg Hunt said. “That said, we’re confident that in the next few weeks or so we can really stuff up the messaging around who should get this vaccine and just make things as confusing as possible for Australians.”

Scott Morrison said the normal approach of approving a vaccine, then telling people not to get it, then saying some people can get it but others can’t, then saying everyone can get it, then criticising people for not getting it, may not cut it this time.

“The Australian people are getting savvier. So we’re going to have to find new and peculiar ways to undermine public confidence this time,” he said.

Some of the ideas floated by Greg Hunt to really confuse the shit out of people include telling people they have to stay in a haunted house for a night before they get the vaccination, and a TV advertisement titled Funky Cold Moderna.

“We’re really excited about the Funky Cold Moderna. It could be our classiest material since the Milkshake consent video,” Hunt said before launching unpromted into the first few bars of the song.

“Alright, dig it

Cold coolin’ at a bar and I’m lookin’ for some vaxxin’

But like Mick Jabber said, ‘I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”

“See, it sounds like he wants the vaccine but can’t get it. So we’re pretty sure it’s relatable” explained Hunt.

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

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