Police are today putting a call out to the public for information, after reports of hundreds of new years resolutions were found abandoned in local woodland. Investigators say this is the worst case of new years plans being smothered they have ever seen, eclipsing even the three-day paleo diet fad of 2016.
“What kind of sicko would do something like this?” asked one grizzled investigator peering under a tarp at a pile of discarded gym memberships. “You can see there was clearly a struggle – from the trail of half-burned cigarette butts leading away from the spot where someone pledged to give up smoking.”
Police are yet unsure whether the huge number of abandoned plans are related, and if they have a serial quitter on their hands. “The fact is these woods are a popular hiking spot,” explained one officer, “and it’s entirely possible that 5 minutes into bushland is about the time people remember they actually hate jogging and hiking, and decide to return back to their life of binging Netflix.”
