“Where The Fuck Was Scott Morrison For The Last Two Years?” And 7 Other New Questions Added To This Year’s Census (The Shovel)

With the national Census upon us again, we take a look at some of the new questions added by the ABS this year.

Personal Details

Q4. Are you Gerry Harvey?

[] Yes (please provide your bank account details below for a special one-off payment) [] No (please see below for the amount you owe the government)

Health

Q7 Have you received a vaccine yet? 

[] Yes (go to Q7b) [] No

Q7b Which Liberal Party donor or private boys’ school do you belong to? _________________________

Employment  

Q8 In your current role, how do you deal with people noticing your incompetence?

[] Disappear [] Shift blame [] Insist you didn’t shit your pants (without being asked) [] All of the Above

Q11. What do you perceive to be the job of a Member of Parliament?

[] Create laws and policies for the betterment of society [] Start weird arguments on Twitter about coal mines [] Confuse the shit out of people with conflicting vaccine information [] Get angry about ‘cancel culture’ topics like Mr. Potato Head’s dick

Location

Q24. Where the fuck was Scott Morrison for the last two years?

[] Hawaii [] Bunnings [] Cooking a curry on the back of a fighter jet while knitting a Sharkie’s jumper for his pet chicken [] At Church with his friend who covered up sexual assaults and it’s just bat-shit bonkers that he still hasn’t addressed that publicly yet!  [] All of the above

Essential Services

Q41. What is the best form of support during a devastating bushfire?

[] Thoughts [] Prayers [] Leadership [] A weird, forced handshake

Other

Q44. Who Would you like to blame for your current lockdown? 

[] Melbourne [] Sydney [] Greg Hunt [] The Illuminati

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By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

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