Minister for Defence Against The Dark Arts, Peter Dutton, has today condemned the invasion of another country on Jan 26th, calling for a peaceful alternative that would avoid needless death and suffering that would haunt the country’s native inhabitants for centuries to come.
“Russia can’t simply walk into another country where other people are living, put down a flag, and pretend like they own the place,” explained Dutton, “this government simply won’t stand for such a ludicrous idea. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to celebrating the day a bunch of British people turned up to a populated country, put down a flag, and decided we now own this place.”
While Ukraine has been under siege and partially occupied by Russia for many years, news of Russia’s aggression only reached the Defence Minister this week, as sadly all his foreign mail was shipped via boat and therefore had been stuck on Nauru for close to a decade.
On hearing Russia plans to make a national celebration in Ukraine marking this day, Dutton called the move ‘insensitive’ stating that any such atrocity should be ‘remembered as a day of sombre reflection’, before leaving the press conference to go drink beer from a shoe while wearing the flag as a cape.