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Peregian Beach
Friday, September 22, 2023

Govt up daily Newstart rate by 0.00001 times amount they paid News Corp for spelling bee website (The Chaser)

The federal government has today announced they will be increasing Newstart by $3.50 a day, leading to great celebration by people who were $24.50 below the poverty line.

“This will absolutely change my life,” said local unemployed man Greg Baxter, while sheltering from a circling RoboDebt drone. “Now if I just save all that money for 408 weeks I can finally pay off the $10,000 the government falsely accused me of owing them.”

Others however, were more cynical about the payment, pointing out that $24 isn’t even enough to purchase access to the women’s sports the government paid Foxtel $30 million to cover. “Yea I felt a bit ripped off after learning a guy worth $21.9 billion was given more government money than me when he’s not even an Australian citizen,” explained one JobSeeker recipient. “But then I thought, why mope around, why not just pull myself up by my bootstraps, so I went and changed my name to ‘Marginal Electorate’ and now I’m swimming in government cash.”

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