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Sunday, July 21, 2024

Christian faith plummets following revelation Hawaii Guy was God’s pick for PM (The Chaser)

Christianity has been thrown into crisis today following revelations that Prime Minister Scott Morrison was apparently the best guy God could come up with to lead the country. “Seriously, he can create a universe but not a better leader?” asked one confused Christian today. “I know God moves in mysterious ways, but getting a failed middle-managing ex-marketing director to do his bidding is a bit odd, even for him.”

Other Christians have expressed the sentiment that this might be a strong sign there is no grand heavenly plan for the universe after all. “You know somewhere between all the child abuse, the weird focus on what gay people are up to despite only being mentioned once in the bible, and the religious right claiming every single one of their terrible politicians was ordained by God, I’ve started to question whether God really is the allmighty infinite knowledge he’s made out to be,” explained one woman at mass this week. “In fact, come to think of it, if he really did create the universe and wanted everyone to believe in him, it’s a bit weird he decided to publish one long, contradictory, rambling book 2000 years ago, and then just fucked off and not show his face again. Isn’t he supposed to be all powerful – how hard would it be for him to get a Netflix special?”

“I mean what’s the deal, one day he’s raising people from the dead, parting seas, and walking on water, next moment camera phones are invented and he’s nowhere to be seen. It’s almost as if claiming that people have to give ten percent of their income to an organisation in order to stave off torture in a pre-life realm which can’t be disproved might actually just be a scam concocted by those guys who now live a cushy life in their ornate palace in the Vatican. Speaking of which, has anyone noticed the bible doesn’t once mention anything about a guy in a funny hat getting to decide what the creator of the universe thinks? In fact I’m pretty sure Jesus specifically says people trying to teach the word of god are all hypocrites that won’t end up in heaven. Have any of you actually read this book?”

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