With the national Census upon us again, we take a look at some of the new questions added by the ABS this year.
Personal Details
Q4. Are you Gerry Harvey?
[] Yes (please provide your bank account details below for a special one-off payment)
[] No (please see below for the amount you owe the government)
Health
Q7 Have you received a vaccine yet?
[] Yes (go to Q7b)
[] No
Q7b Which Liberal Party donor or private boys’ school do you belong to? _________________________
Employment
Q8 In your current role, how do you deal with people noticing your incompetence?
[] Disappear
[] Shift blame
[] Insist you didn’t shit your pants (without being asked)
[] All of the Above
Q11. What do you perceive to be the job of a Member of Parliament?
[] Create laws and policies for the betterment of society
[] Start weird arguments on Twitter about coal mines
[] Confuse the shit out of people with conflicting vaccine information
[] Get angry about ‘cancel culture’ topics like Mr. Potato Head’s dick
Location
Q24. Where the fuck was Scott Morrison for the last two years?
[] Hawaii
[] Bunnings
[] Cooking a curry on the back of a fighter jet while knitting a Sharkie’s jumper for his pet chicken
[] At Church with his friend who covered up sexual assaults and it’s just bat-shit bonkers that he still hasn’t addressed that publicly yet!
[] All of the above
Essential Services
Q41. What is the best form of support during a devastating bushfire?
[] Thoughts
[] Prayers
[] Leadership
[] A weird, forced handshake
Other
Q44. Who Would you like to blame for your current lockdown?
[] Melbourne
[] Sydney
[] Greg Hunt
[] The Illuminati
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By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA